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My clients tend to think I’ll be surprised when they cancel a session.
The truth is, I’m surprised when they show up.
In fact, it amazes me whenever anyone chooses to go to therapy. Think about it. When you go to therapy, you’re choosing to be vulnerable. You’re choosing to move toward your pain rather than away from it. You’re choosing to sit in the midst of your uncertainty for a time, rather than spending all your energy shoring up your certitude about everything and everyone.
You’re volunteering to consider the possibility you might be wrong—you might need to change, you might need to apologize. On the other hand, you’re volunteering to consider the possibility you might not be wrong—you might need to make a stand, honor yourself, set boundaries, refuse to back down, and fight for what is healthy and holy. Either way, you’re risking a new and undefined future—better perhaps, but unknown, and thus a little terrifying.
And you pay to do it.
Most people pay to go to the movies. Or a water park or a carnival or a restaurant. Most people pay to distract themselves from their pain. Most people pay to avoid the hard work of growth and transformation. Most people pay to go on vacation. Therapy clients, on the other hand, pay to take a vacation from their avoidance. They pay to take a vacation from their defenses. They pay to take a vacation from their comfort. They pay to take a vacation from apathy and indifference and the status quo.
I’ve been a therapist for going on twenty years, and that kind of courage still amazes me.
So, to all the therapy clients out there—and to all of you who are choosing to approach your whole life like an opportunity for transformation—thank you for your bravery. You show up. You risk honesty and humility and the unknown. That is a radical, revolutionary, counter-cultural act. It’s the raising of a particular finger to complacency. It’s a valiant stand against our collectively growing narcissism. It is an almost unfathomable act of spiritual depth. Sometimes, I still can’t believe how courageous you are. Yet, despite my stubborn sense of surprise, over the years, you’ve begun to make a believer out of me.
You’re making me believe in goodness and light.
You’re making me believe in the human heart.
You’re making me believe in hope.
_____
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This seems more like a manipulative scheme to get people to pay money for a cheap con. I for one have stopped believing in the snake oil “science” known by the public as psychology. Psychological therapists often listen to three sessions of their client’s problems before diagnosing them with a random mental disorder and immediately recommend that their clients should start taking pills. If you ignore the “diagnosis” or get a second opinion about said “diagnosis”, those therapists will run out of things to say. Yet they still try to milk their clients dry of money, constantly reassuring them that the best thing they can do at the moment is to see a therapist and that they are on the right track. I find it astounding how despite the fact that most of these therapists have achieve masters or doctorates, the still seem unable to keep focused on what their clients are saying or complaining about. They always seem so prepared to either diagnose them as bipolar or distracted, almost as if they want to get the clients out of their way. I am even more astounded by how much they charge. Even twenty five dollars per session seems like an egregious price.
I love this post so much. Thank you.
What if we, the clients, showed up and paid simply for the opportunity to be heard without the fear of what we say becoming public knowledge? I’ve been visiting a therapist on and off for years not because of the desire to transform myself into a better human being (I think it is an unrealistic goal for therapy) but out of necessity to sort out my important decisions by talking them through. A therapist is usually a cheaper option than an attorney 🙂
Mr Dr Kelly, u always hv such thought provoking blogs! You go, guy! Momma K…I almost dare you to tell my story without names,wouldlove to hear your take on it! hugs to the family & thank Mrs Dr kelly for the tour!
What a beautifully written piece that captures the essence of the therapy journey. For those of us who sometimes feel torured by the inevitable pain of therapy, this essay reminds us why we put ourselves through it. Reading it is like a balm for the spirit.
Hi, I never see any articles on Therapy Abuse… why is that ?
Lovely article!
This is an excellent article. Thank you. And I agree completely in what the essence of going to therapy really is about. Yes, as someone mentioned, I do believe there can be a dependency on therapy like anything else, but like Dr. Flanagan says, it is the job of the therapist to spot that and shift it.
For me, however, I have always been very self aware since I was a kid. I have been a journal writer since I was 12. I grew up with a mom who was all about “talking about our feelings” and not holding anything in. I have been grateful for the tools that have helped me a LOT in my adult life, but there have been times when I have needed therapy. This time in my life has been one of them… Just to sort through some stuff… To get clear… To help me grow. I go into my sessions with intention to be open and to get myself out of the way. I want to do the work necessary because the pain of being stuck in patterns that no longer serve is worse than anything. And I have known that pain well. Never do I walk away from a session thinking that was a waste of time. But I also know that like life itself, you get back what you put into it. I know I have the answers within… I just allow my therapist to help me clear the fog so I can find them.
No one can do this for us. And we can only do it for ourselves when we truly have a desire to grow and be a better version of ourselves.
As an Exercise Physiologist and Wellness Coach myself, I know the intimate connection between our physical health and our emotional, mental and spiritual health. So much dis-ease in the physical being results from unexpressed emotions and belief patterns that no longer serve us. I help my clients to recognize that connection.
Thing is this article seems to be referring to the what some call and I’d call the neurotic or badically well and priveleged folks who do therapy to ease issues - where if you have a ” mental Heath ” illness thsts debilitating getting help is so important and so much more serious than this article gives credit for . In fact it kinda annoyed me - ESP when so many with really debilitating mental health can not access help at all , but I guess there’s a reason
To service the rich and now t so ill - but yeah anyway … My 2 cents worth
Do you think there is a time to walk away from therapy though? I met a guy the other day who had been in therapy for 30 years……….and he didn’t seem to be a very happy individual. Dont get me wrong I think facing yourself is amazing and tranformative. But I believe there is a such a thing as being addicted to therapy. That some people think theres something inherently wrong with them and that they cant live until this is fixed. I dont know maybe the goal of therapy is to get people to the point where they see how great they are, how great they always where and that the idea that they need “fixing” is part of the lie we were told as children.
Maybe its like that story The Alchemist, where you go through all these trials and tribulations only to discover that what you were looking for you had inside of you all along
I couldn’t agree with you more, Eoin! Sometimes, participation in therapy can be a way of avoiding change. Of course, if this is happening, it’s the therapist’s responsibility to help the client examine this and change the pattern. And I often tell my clients, 90% of what is wrong with you is the belief that there is something wrong with you. Once we’ve undone that, let’s see what is left to work on. 🙂
Sometimes I walk away from my “sort of therapy” session and I feel grateful for this person who decided, as if he would be an “hospitalero”, to make my life better as I walk this journey of life. Because despite it is me the one who has to make the changes, stand up for myself, believe, connect, … my “therapist” decides to turn on a lamp so I can see the path better, or at times offers a bench and suggests I can take a break and reinforces it is perfectly ok.
And many times when I walk by a mirror and I smile at myself or someone says something about my way of being, I often -in silence- express my gratitude to my “therapist”** for his work with me, with all the others and with the world… after a while, I also realized how important is for the others too to see me smiling. Hence… what a work you have! Cheers for the work of the therapists (or in my case, “sort of therapist” -he is a MD, with a psychiatry specialty but who practices “Inspiring Homeopathy”-)
**I have to say I often pause and express my gratitude for your posts too. 🙂
Cris, knowing what I know of you, I’m guessing there is nothing “sort of” about the therapy you are doing. I’m guessing you are challenging yourself and growing every day, and that you are just as responsible for the growth as your mentor!