Therapy is like bedroom carpet and many therapists are completely clueless. And that’s a good thing. This is what I mean by that…
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Earlier this year, our family was preparing to embark upon an adventure, picking up our lives and plopping them back down in a new town and a new culture. It seemed grand and epic, but it began with a lot of tedium.
Like replacing the carpet in the bedroom.
Our realtor said we needed new rugs so we called the rug people. The morning they arrived, we thought we were taking a big step toward where we wanted to go, but it came to a screeching halt when they pulled back a corner of the carpet.
Asbestos.
It was another hurdle and it was expensive and it slowed us down, so it was a little frustrating. But even more so, it was a little disorienting. We’d been walking on a toxin for six years and hadn’t known it. It was a little concerning that something so important existed just beneath the surface of our life.
Disorienting and concerning, but not unfamiliar.
Because I’m a therapist and, at the beginning, that’s exactly how therapy can feel.
We usually go to therapy for help with a specific problem, like dirty carpet we can see and want to remove. But, inevitably, we start to pull it up, and we find stuff underneath we didn’t know existed. Stuff that’s a little more complicated, a little more frustrating, probably even a little more painful.
Therapy doesn’t create it; therapy reveals it.
We sense this might be true, and so we avoid the endeavor altogether. We decide to live with the dirty carpet, or we put on blindfolds and try to replace the carpet ourselves, without looking at what’s beneath it. Yet, there comes a time for some of us when we decide we’re ready to lift up the carpet and face the unknown.
We pick up the phone and call the rug people.
I’m a psychologist, so I went to my first therapy session thinking I had it all figured out. When I walked out the door for the initial appointment, I said confidently to my wife, “I’ll go every other week for a couple months. That’ll be plenty.” It’s unusual to pull up much carpet in a first session. But I guess I was ready to start yanking. That night, I began to see the way I’d idealized characters and scenes in my story because I didn’t want to face the pain of what it had really been.
I began to see how clueless I’d been.
When I walked back in the door ninety minutes later, I looked at her and said, “I’m going to go weekly. Until I don’t need to anymore.” And in the ensuing weeks, I found many unexpected things—shame, loneliness, a gnawing fear of being abandoned, an anger I’d thought was wrong to feel but was actually essential to feel, tears that seemed bottomless but weren’t, and I found out my perfectionism was just an exhausting kind of protection.
As a therapist, it is essential to have had this experience. To have pulled up your own carpet and discovered you were completely clueless about what lurked underneath. It opens you up, expands you, makes you unafraid of mystery, prepares you for the unexpected, does away with your need for certitude, annihilates your need to be right, teaches you all pain can be redeemed, and makes you comfortable with the journey that is facing oneself.
In hindsight, I’m grateful my therapist knew he was clueless, too—he knew he didn’t know what he was going to find beneath my carpet and thus was completely prepared to find what we did. And I’m also grateful for something else: he was also completely confident in one thing—he knew exactly what he would find beneath the asbestos of my mind.
He knew he’d find my heart.
You see, beneath the first layer of mess is the good and solid subflooring of our soul. It is ancient and untarnished and the stable foundation upon which we can rebuild and redecorate our lives in any way we want. In the end, it’s the one thing a therapist need not be clueless about. It’s the one thing we can trust completely.
That beneath every disconcerting surprise we discover a breathtaking strength.
All the way at the bottom of us.
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LOVE.
Thank you.
Very well said, loved your post, and thanks for sharing such a thought provoking write up… I am glad to read this today !!
Thank you again for a beautiful analogy of therapy. As a Social Worker it is challenging at times to help clients understand the benefits of therapy. I will share with them this beautiful analogy and perhaps they will be willing to unlayer and discover the authentic self.
I am a big fan of you Dr. Kelly. Your words have encouraged me through countless life experiences during the past year. I am currently in school with the end result of (hopefully) being a therapist myself. I am also discovering what is lurking beneath the surface on the long and difficult journey to my soul. Some of those instances of growth are frightening and some are beautiful. Thank you for sharing pieces of your life so openly for the rest of us to learn from. You help me to feel less crazy and more human from the vulnerability you present about your own life. Though I know that you do not respond to blog comments, I wanted to let you know that. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, as usual. It is so scary to go to a therapist for the first time because you think you’re weak. You have no idea you will find your soul.
My experience with therapy is very similar to that conveyed by “Jessica” (and thank you for sharing that). I have the same question; how DO you find a good and still affordable therapist? I wish therapy was treated like yearly physicals - something you do for your general health on a regular basis. But finding the right cost and fit are exhausting and expensive. What I often do now is read books (right now: “Emotional Intelligence” which is both informative and validating and thus calming and helpful) and journal. Going on vacation also helps with perspective.
Dr. Kelly,
Your words never fail to impress. Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. As always, I look forward to your next blog.
Good Morning Kelly, I’m thankful for the pearls you leave us to string in application on our lives. Last week your post on honesty lead me to remember a poignant step I’d forgotten in my mothering. Days prior, our three Littles had rushed in to report the incredible event…a single rock launched into the universe by our youngest cherub had splintered the neighbor’s immense picture window! I cried.
After consequences, calls, texts, asking forgiveness and the beginnings of repair (plus other rascally little neighbors’ attempts at finishing the job with tennis rackets!), I’d forgotten to thank our children for their confession. Later that evening my husband’s kind response was, “Haven’t you ever broken a window? A window’s nothing, there are so many harder things in life.” Well today your words combine sweetly with his steady blessing of calm acceptance in the rough situation. Repair and healing come after revelation, and on this side of heaven grace is always deep and deeper still. Honesty is a good beginning and getting to core of what matters most usually starts with brokenness. God is kind to heal us in community and healthy fellowship. Thank you!
(New site is lovely!)
Wonderfully insightful as always and profound for me personally. Over the last year I have been yanking up the carpet as it were. It has been utterly exhausting and immensely worthwhile. I have cried so many tears and many times been surprised by what was sitting right below the surface running the show. And now I think I’ve gotten to what is below that, to my soul and I am so thankful. Thank you for sharing another beautiful post and helping me understand the process I’ve been through.
How wonderfully ironic. Yesterday my son sent me an email telling me he has made an appointment to see a therapist for the first time. This morning I read your current post. Of course I had to send it to him. It could be just the introduction he needs in order to have the patience not to expect immediate answers.
Great article
Beautiful, as usual!
Keep writing. I like the way you take ordinary and make something beautiful out of it.
Hey Kelly,
I feel like I want dive into some therapy!! It’s so essential to open up and be vulnerable to “feel.” Michael Brown who wrote the Presence Process says “The goal is not to try and feel better but to get better at feeling” Our feelings are such a gift to us if we would only befriend them more often a realize or as Michael B. would say “Real Eyes” to see the treasures all around us.
Thank you the invaluable insight you share. I stumbled on one of your posts about a year ago and continue to follow your weekly email post.
While I agree with the importance of therapy, an issue I found was twofold, first finding one, second finding one that works for me. The process of trying to find a therapist was difficult and frankly depressing in itself with the low availability and high cost (even with great insurance). Then once I finally found someone, I felt I never learned anything about myself but rather filled out worksheets that were never addressed.
How do you recommend finding a good therapist that is still affordable?
Hi Jessica,
Finding the right therapist for you can be a grueling process in itself. Especially so because we usually wait until we are bursting at the seams before actually seeking help, making the decision making process all the more difficult. One thing that I like to tell people is to shop around for a therapist like you would a contractor for your home or for a general practitioner. You aren’t going to look and go with the first one you find, your going to ask around, check out prices, then make an informed decision based off the information collected. After meeting with that individual once or twice, you will usually have an idea as to whether or not they are the right fit for what you need. Use the same method for finding a therapist. You will know whether there is sense of comfort and compatibility. Just remember that they will also be telling you things that are not comfortable to hear or see and then it is up to you whether or not you are there for the duration. Oh and make sure they are licensed. Happy hunting. Hope this helps.