Grief

Dear [Still In Process] Self,

Last time, you wrote to me about comparison (Click here for previous post). This time, I write to you about grief.

You know it well.

It comes along with endings. Small endings like the conclusions of books, days, and conversations. And big endings like the conclusions of relationships, dreams, and lives. You try to resist the feelings of longing, loss, absence – and yes, at times, the sense of rejection – that accompany the grief. But, they are there – deep inside. You hold them tightly and bury them deeply, because you fear this latest ending has shattered you.

It hasn’t.

At times, it can feel as if admitting you miss what once was, will leave you too exposed, without comfort or relief. And yet, dear Becoming Self, it seems the more you hold all of that grief in, the longer it hurts you, the louder those feelings get, and the lonelier you find yourself.

By closing your heart in response to the grief, you allow the grief to accumulate and take up residence in your heart. The past holds on to you – leaving you unavailable to what is your now and to what is your next to come.

I know – you prefer what you had over what you have. Yet, holding onto the belief that loss is unfair, that good isn’t meant for you, or that life couldn’t possibly feel welcoming again, can’t bring back what has ended. One of the most important parts of this messy thing called life – is the falling apart of things you held dear, of things you loved deeply, and of the things that once anchored you, so that new things can take their place.

So, when you find yourself wandering the unwanted gap between what you had and what you have, remember, grief isn’t the enemy. Sometimes, good things fall apart, and it is only in befriending the grief that your heart will open again, making space for what is meant to be next.

There is a next.

 

With Deep Affection,

Your [Still Intact] True Self

Rory Scher, LMFT
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